Friday, January 21, 2011

Try The Veal

Lance is going down.


Now probably not to the level of prison time or anything crazy. Most caught steroid users or dopers don’t experience that. It is more a public embarrassment than anything.

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire are still rich.  Alex Rodriquez still dates famous actress after famous actress.  They still live in very nice homes. They can still be retired by 40 years old or younger.

For the most part, nobody must give their money back. In football, you can be suspended for steroids and still win rookie of the year or other awards.

Your fans will even still defend you despite your head size increasing after age 35.

With all the positives you figure people have weighed the risks and decided its worth it.

And when they are caught.  Wow.  The excuses sure are entertaining.

There is some sort of code to NEVER admit wrongdoing when caught. If we believed every athlete ever caught cheating in this fashion, then there are a lot of very unfortunate situations going on. I just hope that Lance comes up with an equally interesting story.

When police found EPO and other performance enhancers in the home of Frank Vandenbroucke, the Belgian cyclist claimed the drugs were intended for his anemic dog.

Bulgarian tennis player Sesil Karatancheva blamed a positive steroid test on being pregnant. (That seems wrong on a few levels)

After testing positive for strychnine, Dutch cyclist Adri van der Poel said the reason was he ate a pigeon pie made from juiced up racing pigeons trained by his father- in- law.

Is no sport clean?

Petr Korda failed a test at Wimbledon. He said it was from veal he ate that must have been drugged up on steroids.

If you pay attention to tennis players, you will notice there is a lot of veal being eaten.

German runner Dieter Bauuman said he failed a test because someone spiked his toothpaste.

“But my teeth have never felt stronger. I eat corn on cob in 3 second.”

My favorite of all time is cyclist Tyler Hamilton, who said his blood came back tainted because he has two different types of blood coursing through his veins.

How? He was a twin and he claims his "vanishing twin" that he absorbed in utero is the reason for many of his failed blood tests.

Of course if the twin was a juicer, would not he have been the one to absorb Tyler? Just wondering.

American skeleton rider Zach Lund blamed a positive test for a banned stimulant being in his baldness cure medication.

Bobsled rider Lenny Paul blamed a flunked test on a plate of spaghetti Bolognese.

Lenny’s trainer: “Lenny just eat the broccoli.”

Lenny: “Nah. Im gonna have the Bolognese. Ive trained hard all my life. How could this hurt me now?”

Sprinter Dennis Mitchell said his false test was from drinking 5 bottles of beer and then having sex with his wife the night before.

The “Im not a cheater Im just a stud defense” has never been successfully used. But never is a long time.

So I want something good Lance. Hey Rafael, I want a good excuse why your arms change size a day later.

The bar has been set high.

But you guys are the very best.

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